Funny sayings, quotes, jokes, and phrases for your amusement:
If you find the sayings humorous, click the quotation to share your feelings!
Enjoy this collection of funny quotations. Use search bar above to find any quote!
1) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
2) The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'. -- Larry Hardiman
1) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
2) Don't wait for a light to appear at the end of the tunnel, stride down there and light the bloody thing yourself.
1) A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success. -- Robert Purvis
2) If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button. -- Sam Levenson
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. -- Will Rogers
2) Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go -- Oscar Wilde
1) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing -- Emo Philips
2) A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
1) War doesn't determine who is right, it determines who is left.
2) A wife who puts her husband in a doghouse will soon find him in cathouse.
1) Virginity is like a bubble, one prick and it's gone.
2) The man who scratches his ass should not bite his fingernails.
1) A man who stands on the toilet is high on pot.
2) A man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
1) Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together. -- Oprah Winfrey
2) I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. -- Joan Rivers
1) It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.
2) A girl who sits on a judge's lap will get an honorable discharge.
3) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.